Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The Beginning.

This is the first piece of a suite of posts about my last year, my first real year in teh kink community, and about the changes and progress I had in the community and as a sexual being.

December 18th, 2009.

This day is my rubber anniversary. I had broken up with my ex in May, a serious one where we called each other partners in social professional settings. And I had started to explore a bit. I started with a dating a couple, who both helped me enter the realm of kink and get to know a bit how it works, but I really consider my rite of passage to kink when I walked into the leather man on this day over a year ago and purchase my first rubber.

It was my first day of freedom after my first semester of PhD school, and I bussed up to NYC. I met so called ex, and said that no matter what happened that night, I wanted to go to the Leather Man so that I could look around. I didn't know what I wanted, but I wanted something. We hung around and ended up on Christopher street, and wandered around in the store, somewhat unsure of what I wanted. A kind man noticed my insecurity but curiosity as I went up and down the spiral staircase in the two-floored store.

"Hi there. What are you looking for? Can I help?"

I was sheepish, and looked at my ex, someone who while we were dating just kind of rolled his eyes at my kinky desires (he's now come around and tried things). And then I just piped up, "I want some gear but I'm not sure." I kept eyeing the neoprene singlets, but I then came over to the rubber and kept touching it over and over. It felt nice. The friction was weird, and I didn't quite get it. The storeclerk just suggested, "I'll help you put it on." I looked at my ex, and he was just shrugging, as he always did about my kinks. But this time, I was going to fully engage it and do it. It was my time to claim my sexual agency. I was myself now and independent and not trying to prove anything. I first put on a rubber jockstrap and it was just kinda okay and fun. I liked jocks before. I had done that plenty, and it was just nice. It was a nice E7 piece, though I really didn't know what that meant back then. After that, I put on this black shirt t-shirt with a red horizontal stripe on the front (from Syren). This was not an easy task. They were using talc on my hairy chest and slowly getting it on. I, of course, didn't know that other pieces were easier to get on, and, apart from long sleeve no-zip shirts, think that these t-shirts are still teh hardest things to get on when comes to rubber.

The feeling. Just having the rubber surround my torso like that was amazing. It wasn't something I expected. I thought it to be weird but I really loved it. My ex just told me about the glow I had on my face when I put it on, and the clerk was giddy. It was something I really enjoyed, and from then I knew this was something I kept.

I bought the two pieces for around 100$, a great sale. They told me to put it in cornstarch when not using it, which I found to be messy and unuseful after one of my best friends and I tried that when I got back to philly to store it for the winter break.

This story means a lot to me, as I feel that my first purchase of rubber signified my entrance into the kink, and my rite to passage for starting to nurture my sexual agency on my own. I actively looked for a way to physically demonstrate my interest in kink by buying my first rubber. I think that the first piece is always the most important step in the realm of kink, and actually buying it is the first plunge. I celebrated the first piece a year later. That day resonates in my memory still.

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